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  1. #1
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    Serious Sam 2 Review

    By Suislide

    SERIOUS SAM 2

    Holy shit Serious Sam 2 is finally here and Sam fucking rides the boner train back into town. This time he is serious sucking a fat cock from the beginning to the end of the game. All i can ask is WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!


    Graphics: Ok so the graphics do look quite good in this game and in fact the graphics are about the only thing good about this heap of trash. Ill start with the good things such as the enviornments and weapon models, enemies everything looks incredible with plenty of polygons and decent to high res textures. The weapon models all look great and have plenty of detail to them. The only envionrment that looked bland as hell was planet Kleer which was basically just pure shit sprayed upon my screen. Other than that the enviornments are bright colorful and varied. The only problem is the art director must be a faggot. In the first game we had Serious Sam. A bad ass mother fucker who looks like he is ready to kick tons of ass. Now his character model looks like someone fucking took a shit in his mouth and he keeps it under his tongue giving him a huge fucking chin. Everything looks kiddy as hell. Enemies dont look like they apart to tear your ass apart anymore and you are going to blow them away with guns that exagerated to shit in size. Now you have faggot looking characters running around having gay sex. The graphics in the game are quite great and varied but the art direction is pure and utter vagina.
    Seriously who the hell decided you know what. Lets take everything that looked badass and turn it into a fucking 4 year olds game. The engine seems great but come on... cut the faggot shit out.


    Sound: Ok first lets start with the voice acting itself. All the characters sound whiny as hell except for Netristica and Sam. They have high pitched annoying voices that sound like they paid a fucking bum make noises while hes fucking ODing on cocaine.. then they shot him and left him in an alley for the prostitutes to have something to eat. The dialouge itself is all shit. They try to make a joke and some of them were ok but most them fail... kind of like all the jokes on this website. Sam NO LONGER has bad ass one liners were you are like "Hey this guy is about to blow some shit up then sleep with some hot bitches and then break their necks" Now the dialouge is like HEY WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL PLAYING THIS GAME! Also there seems to be a problem with the 3D Audio where everything close sounds far awya and vice versa. Great fuckign Job on the sound. Also only the shotgun has a good weapon sound. The minigun sound SO COMPLETLEY PUSSY i was about to stab myself and my dog.


    Gameplay: Ok so the enemies are varied, theres a decent selection of weapons, and the envionrments are varied. What the fuck happened? Everything just seems so boring. Enemies arent fun to kill, the weapons are all pussy. THE MINIGUN FIRES SLOWER THAN IT DOES IN THE FIRST GAME. Sweet here i was expecting to kick more ass with HUGER weapons and MORE death. Instead i get a slow ass firing minigun and piece of shit action. The first game kicked ass and this one is a total piece of poo. The action just isn't fun. There is just something within the gameplay that seems so boring. Also all the bosses were dissapointments A MONKEY! A BEE! A FAGGOT PURPLE DRAGON! The last boss was the absolute biggest dissapointment. Here was i expecting some bass mother fucker BIGGER than the SS1 Boss (the biggest boss ever) Instead you know what it is? A big fucking pyramid on treads that comes at you. WOW TALK ABOUT UNINSPIRED! The gameplay just has something to it that doesnt have any of the fun from the first game... even the co-op wasn't any fun. What the hell happened? It seems like all the time went to developing the new engine and nothing was put into the game. God Dammit Croteam here i was promised with ass kicking and was delivered with a pile of shit.


    Story:The same story as in the first game you are trying to stop Mental. Except in the first game they didnt give a fuck but here they add in all these slow ass shitacular videos that are SOOOOOOOO Fucking boring. The game was never about the story which was absolutley fine because the game kicked so much ass i vomited everywhere. But this game was just went down hill. Come on What the fuck.

    Well the graphics are good 5/10.

  2. #2
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    Found this review from a site that has a lot of pc game reviews.

  3. #3
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    Some parts of the rewiews are so funny...

    "The only problem is the art director must be a faggot."
    "Now you have faggot looking characters running around having gay sex."
    "The minigun sound SO COMPLETLEY PUSSY i was about to stab myself and my dog."
    "Also all the bosses were dissapointments A MONKEY! A BEE! A FAGGOT PURPLE DRAGON!"

    He didn't like the game so much

  4. #4
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    LoL 5/10! Yeah I agree Serious Sam 2 sucks now Im sad because SS:SE is not popular anymore Soon almost no one will play it. Only Me and PureOwn xD SS2 sucks lets stay on SS:SE for now...

  5. #5
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    best...review...ever

  6. #6
    A fat, lazy bastard
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    MainiaC screens|My steam page!|STEAM Friends name: arragon1|<<WB>>MainiaC|
    "Wow is there seriously a county called Goochland. Virginia, I'm really embarassed for you."


  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nitrostatic
    best...review...ever

    yes, I really like it, very funny

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by MaTr0xXx
    Some parts of the rewiews are so funny...

    "The only problem is the art director must be a faggot."
    "Now you have faggot looking characters running around having gay sex."
    "The minigun sound SO COMPLETLEY PUSSY i was about to stab myself and my dog."
    "Also all the bosses were dissapointments A MONKEY! A BEE! A FAGGOT PURPLE DRAGON!"

    He didn't like the game so much
    Yeah..

    Quote Originally Posted by MaTr0xXx
    yes, I really like it, very funny
    Yeah it rocks!!! Very well written and 100% true!

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by MaTr0xXx
    He didn't like the game so much
    Who does?

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stifmeister
    Who does?
    Only one person on this forum likes it and his name begins with an R

  11. #11
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  12. #12
    Ohne Sinn und Verstand!
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    I'm Not Racist. I Hate Everyone Equally!!!


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  13. #13
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    I love this guy's reviews...

  14. #14
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    Here's his Call of Duty 2 Review. He gave 9/10 points.

    CALL OF DUTY 2

    A sequel to what i gave Game of the Year to for 2003. Now its back and it still kicks fucking ass (except for one or two minor things). If you dont like Call of Duty you are a fag of the highest level.

    Graphics: Ok, so many people are bitching about performance in directx9 because in that mode almost everything is bump mapped. AND EVERYFUCKING THING IS. The buildings the characters random shitty objects throughout the game. Now of course this causes the game to run like a pile of granny ass for most people. So alot have been turning it to direct x 7 which looks like a pile of dog shit. It looks the first game which came out 2 years ago when you put it in that mode. Why the hell would anyone want that... you lose most of the bump mapping, alot of the detail in textures goes away, the lighting sucks dick and all the heat haze is gone. Who gives a shit though as the game kicks ass. Now in when you have all the details up and running it in direct x9 it always seems to have the performance of a woman trying to have a baby on morphene. So there is plenty of low resolution textures and they all have this gritty look to them. Oh yeah not to mention there isnt any cool physics and alot of the character animations are in the first. Who the fuck re-uses character animations? Make new ones you lazy pussies. It doesn't look that bad but it also doesn't look that great but thats ok because it kicks fucking ass. The smoke in the game looks great, and explosions and dead ass and tities flying around everywhere. The models look smiliar to the first game except with bump mapping. The weapon models dont look like anything special. So some parts look shitty while others look quite good. The water looked like ass which is retarded as hell as it looks great in the first game.


    Sound: Hell yeah the sound still fucking kicks ass. Explosions everywhere, tons of gunshots, people screaming, grenades through. The ambiance sounds also sound kick ass. Finally a game where the gunshots doesnt like someone wiping their ass across the microphone. They are a quick pop which is what an actuall gun sounds like. The ambiance kicks ass as you can hear gunshots, explosions and shit exploding in the background. The dialouge is kind of lame as hell but who fucking cares which shit is exploding everywhere. The audio still kicks ass.


    Gameplay: Here the main kick ass portion. You run around and use your iron sights to blow away tons of germans from the russian, british and american side. Holy fucking do you kick ass, explosions happening everywhere, gunshots and explosions all around you as people die. Hell i fucking cut off a guys leg and stabbed it in his forehead then kicked him through a 4th story window and rolled on the around pulled out the sniper and shot each of his testicles. Yeah you can actually do that in the game. Hide behind cover then blow away tons of germans and go do the objectives like blow up some other shit and then kill some people and maybe blow up some more shit. Some of the missions tend to be too smiliar to the first game. Also the last mission was a dissapointment as here i was expecting A HUGE FUCKING finale when actually it wasnt anything special which pissed me off. The game still had tons of ass kicking happening everything and basically plays just the first game. The new gay things they included now though are rechargable health and a button to throw a grenade like a fucking all-star baseball player. I prefer the health system in the old game, but now your health recharges. OH MAN YOU TOOK SOME BULLETS! Well the fucking doctor says hide behind this concrete slab and you will be fine in 5 seconds! Makes the game too damn easy... and they probably did it to save time so they didnt have to put health packs around the levels. Also now you just press a button for a grenade instead of happing to equip and throw. Not to mention he fucking throws this thing like 500 yards... and could knock some old womans ass flat out through a window and blow up the sweater she was knitting. The AI is pretty much the same as the first game. Despite this garbage the game still fucking kicks ass and you can blow tons of shit up!


    Story: So you are russian, then british, then american. Well the russian mission kicked ass and the british were fun to but something was lacking in the american missions. Way to fuck up. The game still rocks though with death everywhere. There isnt really a story but who gives a shit!

    More ass kicking and death everywhere 9/10

  15. #15
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    The next time I want to get some new FPS I'll read this guy's review first. He really seems like an expert.

 

 
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